Death of The Self

I recently read a, very short, account of Buckminster Fuller and his pondering of life that really made me think. This extraordinary man, whom I am now on a pursuit to find our much more about, spent a couple of hours contemplating suicide one night. At the end of his contemplation he decided instead to live from that day forward "as if" he had killed himself that night. What did he mean by that? He decided to give up his agenda, taking things personally (he was dead, no person left to take, right) and to instead see what needed to be done and to do it as a servant of the universe. As I am contemplating the zen of red wine this really resonated with me as at the beginning of my quest for Zenness I also contemplated and acted upon suicidal tendencies, obviously it didn't pan out or I would not be writing this post right now. On my journey of consciousness I have come to the end of red wine and am now faced with "wherever you go, there you are" although many, many years ago, my dance with death is unfinished, or rather unconfronted. My lack of consciousness lay a blanket over it covering it loosely so that once I opened up my consciousness again it lies there under the first layer in need of resolution, needing to be laid to rest.

Don't get me wrong, I am not proclaiming the age old question "to be or not to be" I am firmly rooted in "to be" but the state of mind, unmet needs or whatever stirred up the "not to be" like Hamlets dead father needs to be acknowledged and laid to rest. Many, many years later I feel a deep connection to Buckminster Fullers moment of Zen as he moved past self into oneness with the universe. So it seems on my journey for the Zen of red wine I have come full circle. I now stand facing my demons, my attachment to self and I wonder what if that part of me were to die but the rest of me were "to be". What would it mean to be stripped of that part of my self, to lay it to rest and to move forward. Just the thought of it gives me a lightness, a release. However in order to lay it to rest I first need to find those parts of me, to give them the contemplation they deserve and then to dissect them like trimming the fat from a piece of meat. I wonder will the baby weight I am carry around come off then? alas that sounds like my self talking! The journey continues...