Ask

39 1/2 or 5 months or whatever fraction of a year, clicked into place last night. Like Sofie I felt the desire to slow down time and document it's progress. Kirk and I had always refused to go beyond whole or 1/2 once she turned one so I guess 39 1/2 it is. I picture the clock vividly but instead of going from 1 - 12 it goes from 1 - 40, mostly in increments of 1.

39 1/2 clicked into place with an intense desire to lose who I had become and go back to me. As a lay awake trying to send my shoulders into deep relaxation and failing miserable I realized what I was trying to lose was deeper than the 30 lbs of baby weight I first thought it was. It was more than losing the bloated, dishevelled, double chinned, crazy red headed, round bookworm glass wearing me that reflected back at me at me from the black screen of my laptop. As I lingered in between the relaxation, stumbling on my path for the zen of red wine, desperately trying to untangle the two things, I felt lost. My theme of forging my own path had now left me lost in a field knee high in mud, completely unaware of which direction to take. I could see no visible path and thank goodness, because for the first time all the bright shiny paths calling me and tugging me in every direction at once were gone.

Lost I pondered what to do, I consulted the map of relaxation of glimpses of peace and hoping for insight.

And finally...I asked.

What do I do where do I go. This place felt like home, it was comforting to throw up my arms and sit not knowing, to give myself over and not jump up and down like a child trying to guess the answer. In the calmness I saw the answer, as a coach I had been trying to find my path, my style, my unique way of communicating and in the quiet I found the answer. What came to me was to stop fighting myself, to embrace my creativity, what kind of 90 day coach am I? That is the question my coach left me with last week. I had left the question behind until last night when I picked it up briefly like a pair of dirty socks and then put it in the laundry basket not yet ready to clean them and then this morning I picked it up again, just this very second and owned it. Asking had brought me my answers, I am creative, I cannot fight that, I love technology and progress and crayons and spirituality. I realized a quiet peaceful moment of contemplation at the beginning of every session was the place to begin, more space for my clients, doing it now instead of adding to their to do list and when they are stuck instead of trying to give them possible answers to linger in the moment longer and even leave it hanging advising them to sit with themselves like I did last night and ask, ask the universe, their creative muse or their higher power but to give them the gift of asking and holding open space for them in the craziness to contemplate. I have always prided myself as holding open the space in peoples lives, now I see myself really walking that talk, really holding them in that peaceful place of the present and empowering them to linger there keeping the future and past at bay, to enjoy it briefly, to focus on it and to enjoy as it expands. I see myself as using structure to give them the freedom they desire, the freedom to make room to grow, to quiet the chatter and to hear the answers but mostly to give them the gift of asking.